(With profound apologies to Monty Python)
(A customer walks in the door.)
CUSTOMER: Good Morning.
OWNER: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Lunix Emporium!
CUSTOMER: Ah, thank you, my good man.
OWNER: What can I do for you, sir?
CUSTOMER: Well, I was, uh, sitting at my WindBlows computer on Torvalds Street just now, skimming through "The Cathedral and the Bizarre" by Erik the Redmond, and I suddenly came over all Unix.
OWNER: Unix, sir?
CUSTOMER: Ee, Ah wor 'OSS!
OWNER: Ah, Open Source Software!
CUSTOMER: In a Nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little Lunix will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Redmonding activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some Torvaldian software!
OWNER: Come again?
CUSTOMER: I want to buy some Lunix.
OWNER: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the MP3 player!
CUSTOMER: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean Muse!
CUSTOMER: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
OWNER: So it can go on playing, can it?
CUSTOMER: Most certainly! Now then, some Lunix please, my good man.
OWNER: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
CUSTOMER: Well, how about a little RedHate Lunix?
OWNER: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of RedHate, sir.
CUSTOMER: Oh, never mind, how are you on Mandreck?
OWNER: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
CUSTOMER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four copies of Corblimey Lunix, if you please.
OWNER: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it in this morning.
CUSTOMER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bastille Lunix?
OWNER: Sorry, sir.
CUSTOMER: BlueSturm Lunix?
OWNER: Normally, sir, yes. Today the delivery truck broke down.
CUSTOMER: Ah! Pygmalion Lunix?
CUSTOMER: EnochPowell Lunix? NotMad Lunix?
CUSTOMER: Any Norwegian Mad Penguin Lunix, perchance?
CUSTOMER: BendOver, Yelling Dog, Phart Lunix, RotLunix, BlueCrap, Black Crap, DefNot, SODLunix?
CUSTOMER: ScaldRear Open, perhaps?
OWNER: Ah! We have ScaldRear Open, yessir.
CUSTOMER: (Surprised) You do! Excellent.
OWNER: Yessir. It's… ah... it's a bit runny...
CUSTOMER: Oh, I like it runny.
OWNER: Well... It's very runny, actually, sir.
CUSTOMER: No matter. Fetch hither the Lunix de la Orem, Utah! Mmmwah!
OWNER: I... think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
CUSTOMER: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
CUSTOMER: What now?
OWNER: The cat's eaten it.
CUSTOMER: Has he?
OWNER: She, sir.
CUSTOMER: Norwegian Blue?
OWNER: Oh, yes sir. And you get a free penguin with it.
CUSTOMER: 'Ello, Miss?
OWNER: What do you mean, "Miss"?
CUSTOMER: I'm sorry; I've got a virus. I wish to make a complaint!
OWNER: We're closin' for lunch.
CUSTOMER: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Lunix what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
OWNER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue... What's, er... What's wrong with it?
CUSTOMER: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It won't work after I install it, that's what's wrong with it!
OWNER: Oh no sir. It's just waiting.
CUSTOMER: Waiting? Waiting for what, pray tell?
OWNER: Useful applications, sir.
CUSTOMER: Not much of an operating system then is it?
OWNER: Oh yes it is sir. It's very popular around here. It's so stable sir. Nobody uses WindBlows much any more. It crashes all the time.
CUSTOMER: Well what bloody use is it if I can't get any work done?
OWNER: You could try writing a Knit one Perl one script to download ScarOrifice from the Inter-knit. That's what we all do sir.
CUSTOMER: Oh, all right then.
CUSTOMER: Well that was totally bloody useless! It munged every Weird and Expel file I opened with it. And it stopped my Wanky Tokay from booting!
OWNER: I'm so sorry sir. My brother in Cairo has a copy of Whirred PurrFect Orifice he can sell you.
CUSTOMER: Cairo, eh? Oh very well.
(The customer leaves. Pause. The customer enters the same shop. The owner is putting on a fake moustache.)
CUSTOMER: This is Cairo is it?
OWNER: No, it's Chicago.
CUSTOMER: That's intercity train travel for you.
(The customer goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
CUSTOMER: I wish to complain, railway-type person.
ATTENDANT: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB YOU KNOW!
CUSTOMER: I beg your pardon…
ATTENDANT: I'm a MicroSerf Certified Systems Engineer! I only do this job because I like being my own boss.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me. Is this relevant?
ATTENDANT: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these Python scripts out to 200 lines, you know.
CUSTOMER: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Cairo train and found myself deposited here in Chicago.
ATTENDANT: No, this is Boston.
CUSTOMER: The Lunix shop man's brother was lying!!
ATTENDANT: Can't blame Amtrak for that.
CUSTOMER: In that case, I shall return to the Lunix shop!
CUSTOMER: I understand this is Boston.
OWNER: (still with the fake moustache) Yes?
CUSTOMER: You told me it was Chicago!
OWNER: It was a pun.
CUSTOMER: (pause) A PUN?!?
OWNER: No, no... not a pun... What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
CUSTOMER: (Long pause) A palindrome?
OWNER: Yeah, that's it!
CUSTOMER: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Boston" would be "Notsob"!! It don't work!!
OWNER: Well! What do you want?
CUSTOMER: I'm not prepared to pursue Lunix any longer as I think this is getting too silly! I'm going back to wearing a Macintosh. Or a dark brown overcoat.
© Jonathan Sturm 2000 - 2011
Please contact me before reproducing or linking to my material